Too close for comfort (click on title)

Stephanie Coontz, a history and family studies professor at Evergreen College in Washington, wrote a very interesting op-ed piece in the NYTimes a few days back. Now that the census bureau has published figures about the decreasing percentage of "married" households, apparently people are once more freaking out about the institution of marriage.

As the article points out, our "tradition" of modern marriage has a very short history, and is obviously very troubled. And we all know people who completely focus on their marriage, and then when it goes south they have absolutely no contacts or close friends and no idea how to build a full, well-rounded, community-oriented life. We are so brainwashed about marriage and relationships - and seriously, it's just one path. What a breath of fresh air to read this article.

Almost all marriages fail even if they don't end in divorce, and this has been true for many years. What the article doesn't mention is that not only are married households the minority, but married households with children number less than 20%, yet from all we see in the media about the most important thing being a relationship and family you would think it was 98%.

The truth is that most people are just not cut out for this type of marriage - making it the be-all and end-all to our emotional lives. I know I wasn't. And even if you think you love non-stop intimacy, if one bases one's emotional health or self esteem on this relationship, or defines their happiness based on inherently fragile ties with one other person, then what happens if/when it goes south, or you never marry?

The only time I feel really myself and content is when I'm involved with circles of friends, some family, engaged with work, volunteering, and just dating casually. And I tried - over and over - including being married twice. Not everyone is the same, and I get really tired of being pressured into acting and wanting the same as everyone else.

Less independent-minded individuals are made to feel sad, or less somehow, when they are constantly bludgeoned with the societal stereotype about wanting to be married. It's too bad, b/c marriage is the hardest, most frustrating thing most people have to go through in their adult lives, even if it begins well and has many good moments - still super hard. People shouldn't feel bad about themselves b/c they won't settle or just don't want somebody living in the house with them for the rest of their lives, or worse yet, made to feel bad b/c they haven't met someone they care enough about to take the biggest risk ever. Like that's their fault! Not wearing the right makeup now? Not skinny enough? There are entire industries focused around this perception, that there is one path, and you better follow these rules and get on it or you'll be miserable. Guess what? You fall for all this marketing and you'll be miserable either way.

And pressure to have kids when the planet is already over-populated beyond any sustainable point, no matter how generous the markers? Don't get me started.

Most people certainly won't let people bully or brainwash them into joining other social institutions they don't feel an affinity for. It's a weird thing.